“Easygoing Discipline”
🛡️ Where did I hold my boundary?
Last night, my friends invited me to stay out longer. I wanted to — I really did. But I knew what I had to return to: the vision, the work, the early morning rhythm. So I drew the line and said no. I told them I was easygoing… but was I? I heard myself say it, but I was already walking away, heading home to discipline myself. I felt the contradiction between my words and actions. I wanted to message them after to explain, but I left it. I’ll share it here instead.
🌱 What energy or intention did I move forward, no matter how small?
I kept editing the course, even with the weight of it pressing down. Sundays are when I reach out to family, and I did that — messaging my former stepchildren. The reply I got back stirred something painful. It reminded me how much I gave, how much I put aside in those years, and how unseen it sometimes feels. I did everything I could to be there. To raise them. And now I’m rebuilding from scratch — and most days it feels like no one sees the cost of that.
Still, I breathed through it. Held space for the ache. Then I got on with the day.
Later, I met two women from the Netherlands who do nanny and volunteer work at a centre for children with special needs in Galle. I took the contact for the man who runs it — someone who feeds and supports over 80 people. Maybe I can support. Maybe New Earth can.
🔄 What didn’t need fixing?
My feelings. The ache. The anger. The contradiction in me. It all just needed space. Witnessing. Not fixing.
✨ What surprised me today?
The lightness. The laughter. Being out at Uncle’s and seeing people singing live. Being around people. The atmosphere. It had been a while. We played silly games — guess which hand, dice games, illusions and tricks. I laughed more than I have in weeks.
🤲 What did I offer or receive in service today?
I gave myself to the work — again. I offered presence to my pain. I offered discipline to my future. And I offered truth to the part of me that still wants to feel included, acknowledged, invited in. That too is service.
👁 What did I witness within myself or another today?
I witnessed the part of me that still grieves feeling like an outsider. The one that gave everything to a life that no longer exists. And I witnessed myself not running from that feeling. I let it move through me.
🌙 Closing Reflection:
This is what commitment looks like. Not always glorious. Sometimes contradictory. But real. I’m not “easygoing” in the way I thought. I’m devoted. There’s a difference.
And I’m okay with that.
